The Condiment Mafia?

Short blog entry (but hey -- I just did a long one yesterday so suck it up.)

So, I was looking over some comments and saw that there's another condiment lover blogging out there who's a representative for the Association of Sauces and Dressings. I checked out the website and it's an organization that's been around since 1926 representing Manufacturers and Suppliers of condiments, including the ingredients that create said condiments.

I'm going to research the website in greater detail and see if they set standards and how many small members they have. I did see that the people who make Norman Bishop mustards weren't members and I know they're smaller.

Anyway, it's a big and crazy condiment world out there. Be safe, people.

Condiment Grrl

Fondue Fun and a replacement for Smoky Cheddar Cheese

First off, I am desperately sorry that I have not been blogging more frequently. Sad to say, writing about Condiments on a public blog, however entertaining, does not pay the astronomical wages that you might think and Condiment Grrl toils in a day job that has been taking its toll on her. And she's a little bitter that a co-worker was able to swan off to Holland for the same project that they're both working on, but he will be able to experience dutch condiments in full effect, especially those used for dipping those delicious frites sold on every street corner.

But I do try not to be bitter. Unless it's a tangy deglace giving fangs to a sweet meat.

Last week found me lurking again at the sample booth at Metropolitan Market because of one word - FONDUE WEEK! Okay that was two words, but let's be honest, I had you at fondue. Hunks of bread were emerging from a cauldron of smoke encased in a smoky cheddar fondue. Delectable! And then, a circle of glistening kielbasa appeared, drenched in the smoky cheddar fondue sauce. To paraphrase George Orwell, Super Plus Delectable! And conveniently, because this is how they get you to buy, they had the kielbasa and the smoky cheddar cheese stacked there for you to buy.

And the story gets better -- I am trying to watch my fat intake and I, like the good little consumer that I am, read the kielbasa package and discovered that the kielbasa has 65% less fat than usual kielbasa! Praise all the Gods that be forever and anon and stuff! And it was REALLY tasty kielbasa. And now you're saying to yourself, "Don't leave us hanging, Condiment Grrl, what brand was it?" Chickens, I'm sad to say that Mr. Mustard and I finished the package last night and I forgot to write it down. But I'll get to the store as soon as possible and buy some more, only for your edification, certainly not for mine.

Now, if you have all been diligent blog readers, you know that I am not supposed to have dairy. Yes, yes, I had my cornbread experience, but I really really have to be careful and I really hate having my crazy German naturopath yell at me ("Ze dairy will kill you!"). So, I couldn't get the smoky cheddar for the full fondue experience. While I was in the store, I scanned the condiment aisle, wishin' and hopin' and dreamin' for a smoky condiment substitute for the lactose intolerant. Nothing that would approximate my kielbasa experience in the store.

I got home and threw open my cupboards: I had to have something to dip my kielbasa into or my life was one long open pit of suffering and pain. Finally, I pulled a mustard that I had eaten before, but not really registered. Hot & Sweet Mendocino Mustard.



Now, we all have certain associations with Mendocino. Having traveled there periodically throughout the years, I think of it as a crazy stew of pot-loving hippies and craft craving post-yuppies. And they all like to eat gourmet. And it's a pretty amusing website and I am most impressed that they include testimonials and sell sample jars, which I have been complaining about. I'm now dying to try their seeds & suds mustard, too.

The hot & sweet mustard is just that and if I have learned nothing from my years of condiment tasting, it's that balance is everything. So many condiments try and combine different flavors to various degrees of success and sometimes it feels like they're just tossing strange flavors in to be able to sell to the widest possible market. But hot & sweet mustard is a very old recipe, harkening back to ancient China. And it can be done badly (see my blog entry on McDonald's dipping sauces). But this did something magical -- it combined the hot & sweet and created something more, something smoky, that didn't make me miss the cheddar cheese too much. And considering it's Mendocino and the range of interesting things that grow around there, there could be mystery ingredients galore.

I'm sitting here looking at the jar right now and wishing I had more kielbasa. Why did I share it with Mr. Mustard? Stupid Washington state and its community property laws.

Condiment Grrl

BACON DOUGHNUTS!!!!!!!!

Okay, technically, bacon is *not* a condiment, but considering that I use it to spice up oatmeal, it is. And you can sprinkle it in salads and other things. And my wonderful Aunt Ann gave me this bacon recipe that calls for baking it with a sprinkle of brown sugar, cayenne pepper and black pepper, which turns it into a superfood AND a condiment.

Tonight, we were watching Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations and he was exploring the Pacific Northwest. In his travels through Portland, he ended up at this place called Voodoo Doughnut. As the camera panned over mountains of doughnuts with intriguing toppings such as fruit loops and oreos, I was interested, but not salivating. Then this appeared on the screen:



It's a BACON MAPLE BAR! It's like pancakes and syrup and bacon all deep fried into a high fat mass of happiness. I am OUT OF MY MIND to try one of these. OUT OF MY MIND!!

Somehow, some way, I have to get to Portland and soon.

If I walked there, I might burn off the calories I'll ingest eating one of them. But oh-so-worth it.

Condiment Grrl

Why I'm divorcing Mr. Mustard...

So, if you read my previous post about chili, you'll have noticed a few pointed remarks about cornbread.

Let me explain.

There's this wonderful store, Metropolitan Market where I love to wander the aisles and fondle the products. My one quibble is that they don't carry Norman Bishop's G*D mustard. But, they do have an open olive bar that Baby Balsamic loves to sample everytime we visit, so I'll give them a pass on this one transgression.

In the evenings, they often have a food specialist preparing recipes and serving samples. And it's miles above your standard Costco pizza-on-a-stick offering (although that is tasty). They often have foodstuffs such as Creamy Polenta and cilantro salsa over blackened Salmon. The other day, I wandered by and saw the chef preparing samples of something, but I was confused because they had out stacks and stacks of Stonewall Kitchen Garlic and Onion Jam, but they weren't offering dipping like things. Then this cornbread appeared. This steaming, beautiful cornbread. I took a bite and almost passed out on the floor. It transcended the earthly definition of cornbread. It was like this was the true cornbread, conceived in a heavenly domain, but kept from us meer mortals because we're not worthy.

But that day, I was worthy. And they had the recipes printed out for the general public. I grabbed one and eagerly scanned it and guess what the secret ingredient was? Garlic and Onion Jam!

I rarely bake, but I had to make it, so I lovingly tossed all the ingredients together and was able to produce it in my very own kitchen. And it was as good as it had been in the store. It's sweet and savory and moister than your usual cornbread and the recipe calls for canned or frozen roasted corn to be added, so you get these smoky bursts of corn flavor shot through your bread experience.

Somewhere, my poor crazy German Naturopath who ordered me to refrain from corn, wheat and dairy is screaming in anger at me because the recipe contains all these things. And I'm going to post it for all of you.

BUT YOU MUST PROMISE ME THAT IF YOU MAKE IT, YOU WILL TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE IT.

Mr. Mustard didn't care for it because he likes his cornbread "dry." Sometimes, it's like I don't even know the man I married.

Trust me. It's amazing cornbread.

House Secret Buttermilk Cornbread
Makes 16 square

1 cup cornmeal (I used blue. It was pretty!)
3/4 cup unbleached flour
1 tbsp chile powder
1 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 cup buttermilk (I used lowfat)
2 eggs (oh yeah, my Naturopath told me to stay away from eggs too. Oops!)
4 tbsp unsalted butter, melted
3/4 cup prepared savory jam (like Garlic and Onion Jam!)
1 cup fresh or frozen corn, defrosted and blotted dry

Step 1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Grease 9x9 baking pan.

Step 2. Mix cornmeal, flour, chile powder, baking powder, salt, and baking soda in a bowl; stirring to blend. Beat buttermilk and eggs together. Heat butter until melted, stir in jam, and then stir in corn. Blend with buttermilk mixture.

Step 3. Combine wet ingredients (sounds naughty!) with dry ingredients; stirring just to blend. Do not over mix. Bake in oven until a knife inserted in center comes out clean and the cornbread is a golden color, 20 to 25 minutes.

That's it. And don't feed it to your ungrateful spouse, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, or person you met at a bar.

Condiment Grrl

Why I love Mr. Mustard...

After my sincere New Year's resolution to blog daily, I see that I have yet again fallen down on my duties. Sigh. We've had a lot of snow and ice here and Condiment Grrl doesn't do snow and ice. It makes me tired and crabby and I take lots of baths and stare balefully at Baby Balsamic's rubber duck collection wondering why I still don't live in California.

I don't allow myself to think of much else.

But, the snow and ice did lead to one lovely discovery. I decided that we had to have chili and we ended up with a lovely pot of chili (with heavenly cornbread, but that's in the next post) that only needed a handful of chopped onions to be edibly acceptable.

The next morning, as Mr. Mustard and I read the paper while Baby Balsamic enjoyed the antics of Maisy Mouse and her friends on the demon television. I noticed a bottle of French's mustard left out from the night before. It startled me, because I usually keep a sharp eye on the condiments in our household.

"What's this? Why is this out?" I asked Mr. Mustard.

"Oh," he said, turning to the crossword puzzle, "I put that in the chili."

Mustard in chili? Why had I not thought of this? It seems so obvious now; I love chili dogs and those have mustard and onions on them. Remove the hot dog and the bun and you have chili with mustard!

As soon as he said it, my mouth started to water. The tangy mustard would pep up the tomato-heavy chili just right. And with some chopped red onion....yum! At lunchtime, I sat down to my own bowl of chili, added a ribbon of French's and a sprinkle of onions and then I was able to look out at the sparlking white snow and not be as crabby.

And I knew why I had married Mr. Mustard.

Then I noticed that Mr. Mustard wasn't eating any of the delicious cornbread I had made the night before with his chili and I knew trouble was brewing.

But I'll save that for the next post.

Condiment Grrl.

Adieu, bitter Bordeaux

Mr. Mustard and I are having steak the other night, so I decide to riffle through the fridge and be a bit adventurous in my accompaniment. I discover a Trader Joe's Bordeaux sauce, which promises "hearty and robust flavor with a hint of black truffles." The bottle is a bit cheap looking -- an interesting shape, but the label font screams "bitter ex-avant garde artist from the late 80s who sold out and watches classic MTV in the dead of night." But I do love my Trader Joe's products -- Baby Balsamic exists almost exclusively on their chicken nuggets and soy corn dogs.

Bordeaux or Bordelaise sauce is (from wikipedia, natch) "a classic French sauce named for the great wine area of Bordeaux. The sauce is made with red wine, bone marrow, shallots and a rich brown sauce called demi-glace." The ingredients on my bottle include red wine, water, modified food starch, beef flavor, wheat flour, wine powder...and at the very end: black truffles and anise.

And now I have a horrible confession to make. I pulled this bottle out of the fridge last night, tasted it, was disgusted (it tasted like a hobo wandered into wine country and vomited bad mushrooms on the ground), and decided to toss it since I already have so much in my fridge. It's sat out for the last day and night, it contains beef products, so it's now bad. And it's only now, when I turned it on its side to read the ingredients that I notice the HEATING INSTRUCTIONS: Simply heat and simmer over low heat for 2-3 minutes Stir occasionally. Serve over cooked meat. Optional: stir in 1 oz. butter.

I'm a fool. A sad, pathetic fool. Maybe if I had prepared this correctly, its musty flavor might have deepened and given happy depths to my steak. Instead it's just me and my hubris.

And I have to throw the bottle away. Oh, Trader Joe, will you forgive me? And how will I convince Mr. Mustard to buy another bottle the next time he goes to TJs?

Bad, bad Condiment Grrl

Winter is a time for reflection and cleansing...

I've eaten no new condiments over the last couple days. I've just wearily contemplated the approximately 93858489 open jars and bottles in my fridge that I'm not going to eat. I curse the copy writers who created such attractive labels that caused me to purchase a lime cocktail sauce or a supposedly hot salsa. Curse you! I wish I could send these opened and slightly used jars and bottles to your houses to fester there.

You know what we need? More tiny sample bottles. A few varieties of mustard, like Stonewall Kitchen (look up the link yourself on the sidebar. I'm tired and cranky), do sell a selection of their products in almost Hello Kitty sized containers. Often tasteful, always adorable. But most of the time, if I want to try something, I have to by at least 8 ounces of it.

And, to be truthful because winter is a time of self-reflection and deep, dark, true mugs of hot chocolate, there are some that I've opened and enjoyed, but not enough to keep using at the rate they require. I waste food.

Or do I? I'm contemplating a monthly party where I would put out all of my condiment varietals, invite people over, and let them have at it with bread and vegetables and fried meats.

In the meantime, I will just blur my eyes when I open the fridge and reach for the ketchup.

Condiment Grrl

Weight Watchers and a Mother's Love...

So, Condiment Grrl went a little hog-wild over the holidays and imbibed far too many cream and egg based sauces. And maybe a succelent piece of fried meat or two too many. Whatever, but with the new year comes a hard look at my waistline and it's back onto Weight Watchers.

One thing you have to keep an eagle-eye on when you're dieting is the sauces and extras you put on your food. You may be adding more calories and fat than you think. For instance, tonight, we enjoyed salmon (1/2 a fillet is 7 WW points!). And when I enjoy salmon, I very much enjoy my salmon sauce -- usually a Dill Seafood sauce from, who else, Norman Bishop. But I checked out the point content and found that I could either have a glass of wine or an additional tablespoon of the Dill Seafood sauce. Dilemna! I mean, it shouldn't be, I'm Condiment Grrl, not Boozy Wino Grrl. Hmmm...there's a new blog idea. But, I need my red wine. So, I mixed some G*D mustard in with the Dill Seafood.

The Dill Garlic mustard is amazing. It tastes creamy, but it has only wholesome ingredients and NO WEIGHT WATCHERS POINTS. It really, like that chocolate sauce that turns into a shell over ice cream, is a miracle of nature.

Now, we all know how much I adore and dote on Baby Balsamic. She's the apple of my eye. And tonight, we were both enjoying carrots and dipping them into G*D mustard and she kept demanding "another carrot!" and "more sauce!" until she almost consumed half of one of my precious jars.

I guess when it comes down to it, I love Baby Balsamic and red wine almost as much as all my condiments.

But no chocolate sauce over ice cream for me for awhile. Sigh.

Condiment Grrl

A salute to a salty brother...

Here's a vivid example of my twisted roots. My lifelong friend Damon has always had an odd relationship to condiments. Seeing what he could eat at Denny's for free, which usually involved the condiments on the table, was a specialty of his.

Now he's a Professor of Genetic Biology at Berkeley and he requested his nickname be Doctor A-1. I wanted to call him Captain A-1, but what-ever. What kind of fiendish experiments does he cook up? Let's find out in this vivid photo essay...

Mmmm...this hot sauce looks delicious! And with it's key ingredient of capucin found in red peppers, it ensures I will never grow senile or develop Alzheimer's. Plus, the babes think I'm way manly!

>

How YOU doin', baby? Could you burn my tongue too?



Try it. You'll like it.

And now I will corrupt my young son.



We tried a really good Teriyaki A-1 and a bold mustard. He didn't like the Teriyaki, but that's why he's a Doctor and not a Captain!

Re-discovering a first love...

Remember the first time you fell in love? I mean really, REALLY fell in love, the total, I will be with you the rest of my life and be buried with you (or shot into space or whatever they'll be doing by the time I pass onto the great mustard store in the sky). That's how it used to be with me and red wine vinegar. It was young love, so it was destined to fail. I would be destined to meet another, deeper, older, perhaps richer (not that I'm shallow) and leave behind my first love.

But, oh, my love was strong and true and deep. As a child, I would drink this vinegar for a special treat. I would sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and stir together vinegar, ketchup, and mayonnaise in one of those glasses they used to sell prawn cocktails in and surreptiously slurp it while devouring a Nancy Drew.

When I was 16, I took a trip to England and saw lots of history and plays and culture and stuff, but what I really remember is making a vinaigrette out of wine vinegar and powdered mustard.

Memories. Sweet memories.

Then of course, Balsamic vinegar hit me like a ton of bricks and I haven't been as much of a vinegar swinger as I am a mustard player. Oh, I'll dabble sometimes, especially with the fruity variety (heh). But now, it's the rare red wine vinaigrette that satisfies me.

Tonight, Mr. Mustard prepared a Jambalaya with a side of collard greens. A taste tickled my subconscious and I found myself in the kitchen digging through my jars and bottles to see if I had a red wine vinegar. I had only a teaspoonful in one last bottle and I poured it on the greens and as I mulled the tart accent to the earthy greens, I realized that maybe I needed to call up my old love again. Maybe go out once or twice for old times sake. It won't be like it was in my extreme youth, but nothing could be like that. It was a rare, heady time.

But, I might sneak to the kitchen in the middle of a night this week and mix up some ketchup, mayonnaise and vinegar. It would be nice if I had an old prawn cocktail glass, but life does move on.

But I do have time to slurp an old friend.

Condiment Grrl

I didn't say it would be long...

Just a post. And here are my few words of wisdom for today:

Chocolate sauce is a condiment. And you can eat it off the spoon, without ice cream. I am on a diet, after all.

Condiment GRRL

I am not affiliated with Condiment Girls

Tonight I was in the process of re-registering my condimentgrrl domain and decided that I better register condimentgirl as well and discovered, to my horror, that it's already registered to a site selling soft-pornish calendars with lovely ladies posing erotically with condiments. Now I've got nothing against either soft porn or condiments or both of them used in combination, but I just feel cheapened somehow.

My mission is to spread and deepen the love and appreciation of condiments. I'm not "looking to get a step on life and pursue modeling."

Now I'm thinking about changing my name. Suggestions are totally welcome.

Sigh. Big sigh.

Condiment GRRL

Stocking Condiment the First

As you may have already figured out, I am a strange one. As a child, I received jars of pepperoncini and olives in my easter baskets and christmas stockings. And now that I've grown up, Santa has grown up with my tastes and delivers me a new condiment or two in my stocking. No coal for Condiment Grrl!

I received a jar of Garlic with sun-dried tomatoes. Please note that I always capitalize Garlic. It's a sacred thing. It's a oily paste with chunks of garlic and sun-dried tomatoes. And that's about it. And you know something -- it doesn't need anything else. This item is smart enough to get the hell out of the way of flavors that don't need a lot of fixin', if you know what I mean. It's rich and flavorful and went really well with a piece of salami that Big Daddy Condiment was kind enough to leave in my refridgerator when he stayed over the holidays.

There is one thing that upsets me. We all know how crap I am at taking food photos for this blog. I really suck, as evidence of posts back will show you time and time again. So, lately I've been going to the website of the product I'm talking about to get a product photo.

Here's the "official" photo of this product:

 

Tell me I couldn't do better. It's all dark and weird.

They offer a lot of suggestions for ways to use this great mixture - stir-frying with chicken and pasta, swiped onto petite french breadlets, but my favorite, which I have yet to try, but it's intriguing is "stir into creamy ranch salad dressing or a vinaigrette." Also, I think this might be really good with gnocchi or baked potatoes. Or just spooned right out of the jar, but eating straight Garlic isn't for the faint of heart.

Condiment Grrl 

Happy New Year!

Goodness chickens, it's a new year and I've just been dithering away the holidays shopping for a Barbie for Baby Balsamic, partaking of the dipping sauce of good cheer, and bickering with Big Mama Salsa and Mr. Mustard. I probably needed to eat more ketchup as, per the ketchup advisory board (a brilliant Prairie Home Companion bit), ketchup has "natural mellowing agents." Everyone should just chill the f&ck out a little more, especially during the holidays.

However, in addition to the return of the sun and the birth of baby Jesus and all that, the holiday also gives us an excellent chance to enjoy new condiments. I have a few to blog about over the next couple days, but first off, let me say that one of my New Year's resolutions is to blog every. Single. Day. That's right. Everyday, I will be dispensing lucious words of tart wisdom. Or just complaining bitterly about a disappointing jar.

Which brings us to the topic of tonight's post. We all know of my love for Lemon Dill Caper sauce by Robert Rothschild farms. It's light, tangy and creamy and just gooses the hell out of a drab roast chicken. Tonight, after eight hours of travel, Mr. Mustard was exceedingly crabby and insisted on ready-made Prime Rib for dinner. I was fine with that and to celebrate our return to town, I tossed a jar of Garlic and Onion Horseradish Dip by Robert Rothschild. I sat down to enjoy and instead found myself dipping my beef into a hot horseradish with no hint of other flavors and, adding injury to insult, more fat and calories than just plain horseradish. So I got fatter without enjoying myself. It was just hot and a little thinner than just plain creamy style horseradish, so the texture wasn't even enjoyable.

More about texture in later posts. It's a key aspect to condiment enjoyment that's rarely explored.

I ended up adding a few spoonfuls of Norman Bishop G*D mustard to make it edible (and less fat!).

You know how I wrote about Norman Bishop and the biopic with Russel Crowe in a country kitchen? Well, Robert Rothschild would be played by a prissier British actor, who we think we hate, but then we see him slip an extra fifty to the down-and-out Polish housemaid and we see a soft side (Lemon Dill Caper sauce). But then we see him berate his houseboy for not buffing his shoes to an appropriate shine (Onion and Garlic Horseradish Dip).

Of course they also make something called "Chocolate Martini Cheese Ball and Dip. And I love Chocolate Martinis, so I will date Robert again, but I will be prepared to catch a taxi home, if you know what I mean.

Happy New Year to all of you. May all your condiment dreams come true in 2007!

And feel free to spank me if I don't put up a new post tomorrow.

Condiment Grrl