Raisins - The Power of Good and Evil

Oh, raisins. Dried grapes. Little bundles of sweet fruit energy. I should love you unconditionally, enjoy you scattered into a bowl of flax flakes with Vitamin D almond milk poured on top. Your health benefits are touted all over, even in the medical advice column in the Seattle Times, which recommends soaking raisins in gin to relieve arthritis pain.

But let me put my stake in the ground right here and proclaim that raisins DO NOT BELONG IN SWEETS! It's a crime against nature and Dionysus. They're chewy and have a slight musky bitterness that just ruins sweets. I still remember as a child my Aunt yelling at me for refusing to eat oatmeal with raisins in it. Just make me clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush, it would be an easier punishment.

I can't stand raisins in any kind of desert or breakfast cereal - they make me gag! Stay away from my scone, eschew my eclair, clear out of my cookies, and protest my pie! I don't believe in raisins in my sweet things!

I don't mind a handful of raisins by themselves, but add them to something else and it's like the scene in "Gremlins" when the evil creatures jump out of the fluffy cute one.

And don't get me started on Oatmeal Raisin cookies. According to a website I'm making up in my mind right now, they were first created as a torture device during the Spanish Inquisition. And as soon as I create the webpage, you can tell everyone that you read about it on the Interweb.

Raisins in a cookie from a distance can look like chocolate chips. Don't let them fool you! I think that's part of my hatred - I've been fooled once too often into thinking I was about to enjoy a nice chocolate chip cookie, only to discover a treacherous Oatmeal Raisin cookie polluting my mouth.

You're Cute, but stay the hell away from my desserts and breakfast food

However, SAVORY is a horse of a different color. J'adore stewed raisins in a pork roast. One of my favorite dishes is a chicken dish they serve at Salvadore in Seattle - Involtini di Pollo. I used to say it was my own "Invitation to Chicken," until I married an Italian and learned Involtini means stuffed chicken breast. The chicken was flattened, breaded, sauteed, and rolled into parmesan, white wine, cream, garlic, and raisins. It is delicious and part of the joy is the unexpected sweetness of the raisin.

I'm not sure what it says about me that I only like something when it's unexpected, when it complements the darker elements. I'm sure a psychological profile could be written of me based on that alone. Until then, remember the Cardinal Rules of Raisins:

- Stay out of my sweets!

- You're okay alone!

- Stew in my savory!

Remember these and all will be right with the world.

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