Back in the Game!

Hi all,

I am back in the game after a long hiatus. I had a crazy Fall and Winter, and then someone gave me Satan's condiment, Vegemite, and it put me off everything in the world!

More to come!

Condiment Grrl

Raisins - The Power of Good and Evil

Oh, raisins. Dried grapes. Little bundles of sweet fruit energy. I should love you unconditionally, enjoy you scattered into a bowl of flax flakes with Vitamin D almond milk poured on top. Your health benefits are touted all over, even in the medical advice column in the Seattle Times, which recommends soaking raisins in gin to relieve arthritis pain.

But let me put my stake in the ground right here and proclaim that raisins DO NOT BELONG IN SWEETS! It's a crime against nature and Dionysus. They're chewy and have a slight musky bitterness that just ruins sweets. I still remember as a child my Aunt yelling at me for refusing to eat oatmeal with raisins in it. Just make me clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush, it would be an easier punishment.

I can't stand raisins in any kind of desert or breakfast cereal - they make me gag! Stay away from my scone, eschew my eclair, clear out of my cookies, and protest my pie! I don't believe in raisins in my sweet things!

I don't mind a handful of raisins by themselves, but add them to something else and it's like the scene in "Gremlins" when the evil creatures jump out of the fluffy cute one.

And don't get me started on Oatmeal Raisin cookies. According to a website I'm making up in my mind right now, they were first created as a torture device during the Spanish Inquisition. And as soon as I create the webpage, you can tell everyone that you read about it on the Interweb.

Raisins in a cookie from a distance can look like chocolate chips. Don't let them fool you! I think that's part of my hatred - I've been fooled once too often into thinking I was about to enjoy a nice chocolate chip cookie, only to discover a treacherous Oatmeal Raisin cookie polluting my mouth.

You're Cute, but stay the hell away from my desserts and breakfast food

However, SAVORY is a horse of a different color. J'adore stewed raisins in a pork roast. One of my favorite dishes is a chicken dish they serve at Salvadore in Seattle - Involtini di Pollo. I used to say it was my own "Invitation to Chicken," until I married an Italian and learned Involtini means stuffed chicken breast. The chicken was flattened, breaded, sauteed, and rolled into parmesan, white wine, cream, garlic, and raisins. It is delicious and part of the joy is the unexpected sweetness of the raisin.

I'm not sure what it says about me that I only like something when it's unexpected, when it complements the darker elements. I'm sure a psychological profile could be written of me based on that alone. Until then, remember the Cardinal Rules of Raisins:

- Stay out of my sweets!

- You're okay alone!

- Stew in my savory!

Remember these and all will be right with the world.

Condiment Grrl

A Condiment Threat to our Homeland Security

Well, people, I have been bad about blogging, it hasn't been for a dearth of condiments, but more for a dearth of new cravings. I have been in a condiment rut - only desiring the proven toppings for familiar dishes - Robert Rothschild caper, lemon, mustard sauce to go with my sausages. Soy sauce and vinegar on my rice. Lots and lots and lots of black truffle salt on my salads.

How I love black truffle salt. It makes every salad taste like an exotic found meal - a deep hint at what more there could be.

I've been working hard, hence my condiment rut. It's hard to open yourself to new experiences, when you have a short time to wind down and you often want to take the path of least resistance to the condiment that will relax me and allow my meal to achieve its maximum desirability.

However, now that summer's here, I am starting to open to new things, new flavors. My birthday was last weekend and some lovely foodie friends gifted me with a lucious looking jar of Artichoke and Seville Orange Chutney. Mmmmm....so evocative, so promising.

As I was at my mother's to visit Baby Balsamic who is spending two weeks with Big Mama Salsa (aka my mother), I packed the jar in my bag to return to the frozen Northwest. This condiment just might lift me from my accessorizing doldrums.

I didn't count on Homeland Security. (No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!)

I was taking my bags through the x-ray machine, when an earnest young officer asked to go through my bag. Well, what am I going to say? He starts flinging my underwear and pink pajama bottoms all over the table, but then finds the offending jar - my NEW CHUTNEY!

"It's sealed. See, I never opened it." I don't know why I thought that would make a difference.

He looked sheepish and almost handed it back to me, then stopped. "I'm sorry. It's over the amount. We'll have to take it."

OOOOOHHHH NOOOOO! But what could I do? Those are the rules.

Years ago, I was traveling out of Israel after a friend's wedding. As you would expect, there were very very long security lines. A man was complaining bitterly to his wife, until a woman in front of him turned and said "Would you prefer there were a bomb on the plane?"

I'd rather they do all they need to do to keep me and all other travelers safe.

But, the memory of that lost condiment did drive me to the store to purchase a new jar of Madras Curry mustard for that exotic touch. Just the promise of it drove me out of my rut.

And as for the young security guard - he seemed quite sharp, but you have to hope that they're being sharp when real bad people try and get bad things through security.

Maybe he went home and consumed the my Artichoke and Seville Orange Chutney. Maybe it's mix of vegetables and savory flavor improved his health and the oranges sharpened his eyesight. Maybe the next day his improved senses were able to stop a bad guy at Security.

And all thanks to Condiments. Now I have to go work on a screenplay.

Condiment Grrl

A delightful Sauce page!

Hi all,

Quick post - due to a nice comment from another foodie blogger - www.easy-french-food.com - I checked out the site and found a great page of easy french sauce recipes. As soon as I can get my mitts on some french dill, I will try the Dill sauce for fish. It looks delicious and I love the way the instructions are laid out.

Au Revoir!

CondimentGrrl

What came first the tartar sauce or the steak tartare?

Probably the steak tartare, according to the source of all knowledge, wikipedia. Steak tartare originated in the early 1400s because the cattle the mongolians were eating was too tough, so they had to chop it up.

Now, I have a slightly evil confession. Or maybe it's just a "devil may care" confession - I LOVE steak tartare. As a child, I used to eat raw hamburger covered in salt. Then one day, someone told me I would love steak tartare. But by the time I was an adult and could afford to take myself to restaurants that serve it, mad cow had swept the nation and people were strangely (really what's so harmful about eating raw cow raised in horrible conditions fed the diseased brains of other cows? I'm FINE!) nervous about raw beef consumption.

I did have it once, years ago, made by a friend who is a fine, fine chef. He purchased free range happy organic vegan raw foodie yoga cow meat to make his own. Such a delicious flavor - but I think the thing I like most is that there's lot of spices and things and CONDIMENTS that go into a successful tartare.

Which has nothing to do with tartar sauce, which, according to The Straight Dope is:

"Tartar sauce, or as the French refer to it, sauce tartare, consists of mayonnaise, mustard, chives, chopped gherkins, and tarragon, according to C. Owen's "Choice Cooking," circa 1889. In French, it is loosely translated as 'rough,' as the Tartars were considered rough, violent, and savage. It is commonly served with fish. Yum yum."

It's such a hodge-podge of a sauce (and the inclusion of the gherkin also qualifies it as a "vegetable" as much as ketchup). Mayo and pickles and green things and vinegar. The thing is, I don't like it that much.

Wait, scratch that.

I do like it, but it's not at the top of my ranking. When I walk into one of those delicious frites shops that dole out about a billion kinds of dipping sauce for your double deep fried potatoes (why, god, why did the Frite shop in Seattle have to close?), tartar sauce is usually included, but only as an accompaniment to ketchup. It's odd - I like mayonnaise, I like pickles, I LOVE vinegar, but tartar sauce is almost too much for me, unless I dilute it with ketchup's sweet kiss. Am I too genteel a condimentgrrl to enjoy a "rough" condiment?

Although, if you think about what the sauce turns into when you add ketchup to tartare sauce - thousand island sauce - it begins to make sense. It's a "rough" version of my childhood comfort snack - red wine vinegar, ketchup, and mayonnaise. It's a distant echo of childhood, but not *quite* the thing I want.

In regards to seafood - not crazy about it with fish. It's too heavy for fish. I much prefer malt vinegar with my fish and chips. I don't have any tartar sauce in my collection. It's just not the first thing I reach for.

If I could, however, I would reach for steak tartare, even though it is so so so wrong...

Condiment Grrl

Condiment FAIL

=

A few weeks ago, I had the distinct UNpleasure of experiencing Fritos Jalapeno Cheddar dip. It was part of my Condiment Grrl experience I performed as part of Annex Theatre's Spin the Bottle. I chose a selection of condiments and things you put condiments on and had the audience randomly pick condiments to put on the things in my picnic basket of fun (soy corndogs, crackers, Haagendaaz chocolate ice cream, Jimmy John's beef sticks (delicious with caramel sauce!)). More on this entire event later.

I ended up having to consume the Frito's dip on a Sun Chip. This dip is the color of laminate. It is the consistency of dinosaur mucus. It has a fake little "yee haw I was once a jalapeno, but now I'm a chemical paste" kick. The dip winds itself around your tongue like a boa constrictor transformed into silly putty ready to strangle you with MSG. Yes, it contains the demon MSG.

There are no redeeming features about this dip. If my refridgerator was empty of all condiments, completely barren, EXCEPT for the Fritos, I would make my way to the Burger King and forage in the dumpster bins for half-used ketchup packets. That's how bad it is. Never consume it.

Eschew it at all costs, for the love of all that is holy.

Which brings me to the picture montage at the top of this post. I was unlucky enough to sit through an episode of The Bachelor, which is the fakest, cheesiest show ever in the history of the world. The current bachelor says the MOST inane things to a series of chemically enhanced females like "it's like it's getting real with you, with your values, and you're so hot, but deep and I see myself falling into your eyes and...blah blah blah." And the girls chirp back lines like "wow, I'm really falling for this guy, but I'm scared because there's all these other women here (the whole point of the show, MORON) and my heart is tender, but Jake can just fly me up to the sky and I came here because I wanted to get married and raise children who could see their mother looking desparate along with 24 other women who Daddy also made out with.."

And this guy has the personality of Frito's Jalapeno Cheese dip. There's a chemical paste replacing real taste and we're all worth more than that. Even the desperate girls who go on The Bachelor. Ladies, hie thee to a market and get some homemade salsa. It will have more nutritional value.

Condiment Grrl

Truffle Honey, oh, Truffle Honey

If condiments were people, I would turn truffle honey into a doe-eyed young man with large light brown eyes, longish hair the color of summer oak, a smile that could melt the frozen heart of Ann Coulter, two dimples shining on either side of delicious lips. My Truffle Honey would be dressed in Renaissance-Faire type clothes - leather pants, puffy pirate-like shirt. You know, the type of clothing that could turn the Elephant Man into liquid sex.

On parchment, I would write truffle honey a note:

"Dear Truffle Honey, do you love me? Check yes or no. Yours forever."

Man, this condiment is the FULL PACKAGE - savory, yet sweet with the consistency of, well, honey. These days, most condiments are trying to have it all and be sweet and savory at the same time. Some succeed. Some fail.

Honey already has it's beautiful color going for it. When you add the truffle in, all you see are a few tantalizing slivers of dark mushroom floating in it. I know that doesn't sound appetizing, but the flavor is so delicate and surprising. On first taste, you think "well, I don't really taste the truffle," but then BANG, there's the truffle taste racing in for the finish. It's surprising. And I still can't find words to describe the truffle taste, given that I normally hate mushrooms. It's rich and musky. It's strong. It tastes like a large forest after a long, cleansing rainstorm.

My one criticism is, just like the pretty young man dressed for a Faire, I'm not sure where to take the honey. I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to put it on or to mix it with. I'm very protective of it and I don't want to waste it yet. I have yet to try it in the Balsamic dressing I adore so much. Perhaps, that is my next step. I guess I've just been enjoying keeping my truffle honey to myself. Dipping my pinky in for a taste here and there. I sigh and close my eyes, reveling in its strange flavor.

The brand I have - a Christmas present, of course - is Italian. Mielo eon Tartufo Bianco. And it's all written in fancy script on a teeny, tiny little jar made by a company called Tartuflanghe. Check out their website for other delicious products made with truffle (a creamy parmesan reggiano with truffle in particular is very tempting). You need lots of Euro.

If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. For now, I will keep my handsome young truffle honey all to myself....

Condiment Grrl