Condiment FAIL

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A few weeks ago, I had the distinct UNpleasure of experiencing Fritos Jalapeno Cheddar dip. It was part of my Condiment Grrl experience I performed as part of Annex Theatre's Spin the Bottle. I chose a selection of condiments and things you put condiments on and had the audience randomly pick condiments to put on the things in my picnic basket of fun (soy corndogs, crackers, Haagendaaz chocolate ice cream, Jimmy John's beef sticks (delicious with caramel sauce!)). More on this entire event later.

I ended up having to consume the Frito's dip on a Sun Chip. This dip is the color of laminate. It is the consistency of dinosaur mucus. It has a fake little "yee haw I was once a jalapeno, but now I'm a chemical paste" kick. The dip winds itself around your tongue like a boa constrictor transformed into silly putty ready to strangle you with MSG. Yes, it contains the demon MSG.

There are no redeeming features about this dip. If my refridgerator was empty of all condiments, completely barren, EXCEPT for the Fritos, I would make my way to the Burger King and forage in the dumpster bins for half-used ketchup packets. That's how bad it is. Never consume it.

Eschew it at all costs, for the love of all that is holy.

Which brings me to the picture montage at the top of this post. I was unlucky enough to sit through an episode of The Bachelor, which is the fakest, cheesiest show ever in the history of the world. The current bachelor says the MOST inane things to a series of chemically enhanced females like "it's like it's getting real with you, with your values, and you're so hot, but deep and I see myself falling into your eyes and...blah blah blah." And the girls chirp back lines like "wow, I'm really falling for this guy, but I'm scared because there's all these other women here (the whole point of the show, MORON) and my heart is tender, but Jake can just fly me up to the sky and I came here because I wanted to get married and raise children who could see their mother looking desparate along with 24 other women who Daddy also made out with.."

And this guy has the personality of Frito's Jalapeno Cheese dip. There's a chemical paste replacing real taste and we're all worth more than that. Even the desperate girls who go on The Bachelor. Ladies, hie thee to a market and get some homemade salsa. It will have more nutritional value.

Condiment Grrl