Epicurean Epiphanies for Everyday?

So I just found a new delicious mustard today. The last few days I had been disconsolately staring at my open mustards, vaguely dissatisfied, unsure of how I ended up with three different horseradish mustards open at the same time. And I'm out of my G*D mustard, which always puts me out of sorts. I had a lucious breast of chicken and nothing I felt like rubbing all over it.

I don't even like horseradish mustard all that much. It's like going to a dinner party at the house of two fascinating, but not totally socially presentable, married people who both get a little TOO intense on the topic of the capitalist trending of mainland China and the possible ramifications for Taiwan and Tibet. And they don't let up until you feel sad and bitter and a little sick to your stomach.

Of course, I may yet have to find the PERFECT horseradish mustard. I'm sure it's out there, somewhere, if I wish on a yellow star when the moon is perfectly phased.

This new mustard is a new flavor combination I have yet to try: Madras Curry mustard made by a relative upstart in the condiment business: dulcet. Two things caught my eye on the little jar: 1. It's small, so I don't have to buy a giant jar of something that I might not like all that much. 2. The company slogan "Epicurean Epiphanies for Everday." I like the slogan, but I would have worded it differently. I think Everyday Epicurean Epiphanies flows off the tongue a little easier.

Baby Balsamic was feasting on her usual highly-nutitious, organic, raised by blind Tuscan nuns type food - a hot dog. I snagged a piece of her Bavarian treat and tried it with a bit of the mustard. Nice, sweet, the curry flavor was strong, but not too strong. I dipped my finger in for the straight-taste-test, and found it a bit sweeter than I thought, but quite compelling. Unlike many other strange combinations of condiments, they managed to balance the curry flavor with the vinegar and the cayenne. I used it to make my favorite balsamic vinaigrette and it livened up my green salad.

Final decision: I highly recommend the Madras Curry mustard by dulcet. And it's made in Oregon and all-natural so you don't have to worry about contributing to global warming through your ingestion of high-fructose corn syrup or partially hydrogenated soybean oils.

And now I don't have to feel peevish when I view my mustards. I really must dispose of these open horseradish mustards.

Condiment Grrl

Periodic Table of Condiments

I was chatting with a friend at work today about my blog and she mentioned that she had overheard someone in a restaurant earlier in the week saying that it was National Condiment Day. Well, I was naturally horrified that I had no knowledge of this extremely important day. I promptly googled the term and came up with a strange mention on a random blog which led me to this:

Periodic Table of Condiments

Actually, its official title is "Table of Condiments That Periodically Go Bad." Can I tell you how much I love that statement? It's so evocative; it could be a strange Restoration play or a Far Side cartoon (remember "When Clowns Go Bad?" And I think there was one where the ketchup or something was robbing the food in the fridge. I miss Gary Larsen).

But this excellent resource tells us important things like how long you can keep that blue cheese dressing in your refridgerator. Did you know that Vegemite only lasts two months? You only have 3 days to get through that Au Jus sauce. And my favorite, Baco Bits, has an N/A beneath it. I assume that after the Nuclear Armagedon, that all the surviving cockroaches will have to eat will be Baco Bits sprinkled on Twinkies.

Now I've come over all peckish. Maybe I'll head to Portland so I can get a Bacon Doughnut.

Condiment Grrl

Bill Maher's New Rule about Mustard

I swear I was just thinking this when I heard Bill Maher talk about mustard on the New Rules segment of his show. When I'm in the mood for the tangy liquid taste of plastic bottled mustard, I'm usually frustrated by this occurence:

From Bill Maher's show on HBO:

New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn’t squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Someone had to say it. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. [laughter] [applause] I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but, fuck you, I’m an American consumer! [laughter] [applause] Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth. [laughter]

A Cold Spring and a blind date that just didn't work...

We had turkey breast for dinner tonight and I was really looking forward to my version of comfort food -- Lemon, Dill, & Caper sauce accompanied by a salad with a nice garlicky, anchovy-heavy, balsamic vinaigrette homemade by me while Baby Balsamic begged for a taste of the Dijon mustard which I used to spike the dressing.

But as I wiped my turkey in the tangy, course sauce, it just didn't do it for me. The turkey was too dense, too dry to be a moist home for my chosen condiment. I needed a hot and sour cranberry variation (sometimes the old standards are standards for a reason). Chicken is a bit juicier and sweeter than it's larger, dumber brother Turkey. Although this musing is making me wonder what the perfect condiment would be for a Turducken? I ended up breaking up pieces of turkey, under the glaring eye of the turkey cook, Mr. Mustard, and adding it to my salad. It worked great with the figs and avocado.

Maybe it's the cold spring weather that's making me peevish, but when a favored condiment doesn't go with something you think it will, it's like the entire Universe spins a little more crazily out of whack. And I'm out of Norman Bishop G*D mustard. Sigh.

Tomorrow morning is mother's day and I'm fully expecting my favorite bacon recipe that involves the bacon being coated with brown sugar, a bit of black pepper and a bit of cayenne pepper. I don't think the cold spring day could take away my joy in that dish.

Condiment Grrl

I'm back...and I came over all peckish

Excuses, excuses. I was sick. I was overworked. I was forced to visit friends and family in California, drink too much wine every night, then plop Baby Balsamic in front of vintage "Pink Panther" cartoons while Mommy slept "just a little longer."

And this will be short, because I have to get to sleep, but here's some previews of coming attractions:

-- Condiment SMACKDOWN - Branston Pickle vs. Branston Piccalilli! Two condiments walk in, one walks out on my hot dog....

-- Emergency Condiments - how to make a taste treat out of little plastic packets.

-- What the hell is wrong with a store that stops selling a mustard that I want to buy that they used to carry?

But first, in praise of French's mustard. I was in the airport and I hungered, I hungered deeply and powerfully (or as they say in a Monty Python sketch, "I came over all peckish"). I went to one of those hideous little food places they have in the airport where they charge you crazy amounts of money for little pieces of food. I got an everything bagel and asked for red onions. No red onions. I need a little savory flavor with my bagel so I hunted for salt and vinegar chips, then I had to just buy the damn bagel the way it was because Baby Balsamic was about to try and board a flight to New York. I looked at my limp bagel with it's pallid cream cheese. A tear struggled out of my eye and danced down my cheek, so I went to get napkin and noticed the condiment bins. Salt, pepper, ketchup, mayonnaise, relish, and mustard! I was drawn to the yellow. I put two packets on my bagel and my GOD, it was refreshing! Better than coffee. The mustard gave my tongue a little sizzle and the oh-so-delightful bitterness made up for Baby Balsamic wetting the seat on the plane.

Condiment Grrl