Bill Maher's New Rule about Mustard

I swear I was just thinking this when I heard Bill Maher talk about mustard on the New Rules segment of his show. When I'm in the mood for the tangy liquid taste of plastic bottled mustard, I'm usually frustrated by this occurence:

From Bill Maher's show on HBO:

New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn’t squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Someone had to say it. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. [laughter] [applause] I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but, fuck you, I’m an American consumer! [laughter] [applause] Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth. [laughter]

I'm back...and I came over all peckish

Excuses, excuses. I was sick. I was overworked. I was forced to visit friends and family in California, drink too much wine every night, then plop Baby Balsamic in front of vintage "Pink Panther" cartoons while Mommy slept "just a little longer."

And this will be short, because I have to get to sleep, but here's some previews of coming attractions:

-- Condiment SMACKDOWN - Branston Pickle vs. Branston Piccalilli! Two condiments walk in, one walks out on my hot dog....

-- Emergency Condiments - how to make a taste treat out of little plastic packets.

-- What the hell is wrong with a store that stops selling a mustard that I want to buy that they used to carry?

But first, in praise of French's mustard. I was in the airport and I hungered, I hungered deeply and powerfully (or as they say in a Monty Python sketch, "I came over all peckish"). I went to one of those hideous little food places they have in the airport where they charge you crazy amounts of money for little pieces of food. I got an everything bagel and asked for red onions. No red onions. I need a little savory flavor with my bagel so I hunted for salt and vinegar chips, then I had to just buy the damn bagel the way it was because Baby Balsamic was about to try and board a flight to New York. I looked at my limp bagel with it's pallid cream cheese. A tear struggled out of my eye and danced down my cheek, so I went to get napkin and noticed the condiment bins. Salt, pepper, ketchup, mayonnaise, relish, and mustard! I was drawn to the yellow. I put two packets on my bagel and my GOD, it was refreshing! Better than coffee. The mustard gave my tongue a little sizzle and the oh-so-delightful bitterness made up for Baby Balsamic wetting the seat on the plane.

Condiment Grrl