Oh, Aunt Penny, how could you?

Look at the can below. Doesn't it make you a little nostalgic for the days when you'd bop home in your paisley orange Ford Pinto , your eight-track player blaring "Frampton Comes Alive," groceries (in paper bags, natch) piled into your deadly trunk filled with foods that you had to prepare fast for your stone-cold fox of a date? You didn't have time to make a totally homemade dinner because you can have the town, why don't you take it, so you popped a can of Aunt Penny's into your bag, heated it and poured it over your asparagus, right before you turned the lights off and the lava lamp on. Then you and your date gently lifted the spoons to your mouth at the same time. As the hollandaise made it's way to your taste buds, you waited for the lemony, creamy joy. As you tasted the actual floury, chemical taste of this monstrosity, you stared at your date in horror, watching the bad bad flavors chase the look of lust off his face.

Okay, I got a little carried away with that intro and now the Mary Tyler Moore theme song is entrenched in my head and I'll be humming it for the foreseeable future. I've been hard on condiments in the past, but this travesty by FAR ranks as the worst thing I've tasted. I could barely dip one stalk of asparagus in it before I ran to the kitchen for my old standby, Lemon Dill and Caper sauce. I couldn't find any discernable flavor except for lard and flour. It's also choc-full-o' partially hydrogenated soybean oil and other bad chemicals.

Now, it's funny, as I type this I'm aware that even though I was a little kid through most of the 70s, it carries a lot of nostalgia for me (I'm listening to Cat Stevens as I type this). I miss its own brand of innocence, its self-involvement, and its feathered hair (although that's making a comeback).

But, honestly, condiment-wise, bring on the future. Back in the 70s, we didn't have the selection we have now of fennel-infused, cranberry scented, peppercorn be-studded taste treats that we can happily mate with our asparagus. And so much of what is produced today has mostly good ingredients!

Who can turn the world on with a smile? Not Aunt Penny.

Condiment Grrl