A Nose for Truffles

Here's a Condiment Grrl secret: I was switched at birth with Paris Hilton. It's very clear from my tastes and desires that I was born to live a life swathed in baby mink fur, bathing in endangered seal oil, while a diverse ethnic group of minions buffed my pink toes. And, bien sur, I would be feasting on the finest that the condiment world has to offer, including lots and lots of lots of things involving truffles.

You see, I'm a newcomer to mushrooms. When I turned three and began to cultivate a more discerning diet (not unlike, sigh, my own Baby Balsamic), I summarily rejected all mushrooms from my diet. They were yucky, musty, overrated.

They were just bad. But I've recently discovered that I have a taste for the more expensive mushrooms: Chantrelles, Portobellos, and, of course, truffles. They were intriguing, strange, with exotic hints of faraway places that might have bred the ethnically diverse minions who would one day serve my every need.

The truffles is the newest discovery. An old friend visited and brought me a selection of delicious condiments, including an Olive Truffle paste that absolutely floored me. The "je ne sais quoi" of the truffles lightens the usual saltiness of the Olive paste. It's one of those foods that you try and remember where you tasted THAT flavor before - the South of France? Chicago? Fife? In some ways, the very distinct yet almost elusive flavor of the truffle is like a past life portal that almost makes you remember a different life. One of satin nightgowns and 3 a.m. scotch and lots and lots and lots of hair gel. One where you slept in a giant white fluffy bed with rose red curtains and were awakened at 11 with a tray of coffee, orange juice, and an omelet lightly dusted with truffle extract.

I can almost taste it. Ahhh...the condiment as a portal to past and possible lives. Dip into it carefully.

Condiment Grrl

Subconscious Condiments in the Arts

So, this last weekend, I was priviledged enough to take part in a most excellent theater festival, 14/48, where the point is to create something by the seat of your pants; to grab the first crazy idea you have and ride it all the way home. No second thoughts, no misgivings -- you just have to GO. Basically, I showed up on Thursday night, along with 6 other extraordinary writers, and got handed a theme - "A Late Entry" - and a number of men or women I had to write for, then I had to go out into the night and furiously scribe a 10 minute play, due at 8:00 a.m. the next morning.

I ended up writing a sweet little ditty about a girl and a dreaded and desired jam contest, "Ruby's Red Ribbon Purple Jam." Needless to say, the jam was a metaphor, but this is a family blog so I won't go into specifics except to tell all of you to go to the kitchen, find some jam, dip two fingers into it, then lick it off your fingers, or put it somewhere else, then lick it off. Very slowly. And that's all the playwriting lesson you get for today, naughty readers.

Okay, the first thing all of you are thinking, knowing me, is "Why didn't she choose a mustard contest?"

Well, 1. I really didn't consciously think of a condiment contest. I just let the muse guide me and
she led me down the jam path.
2. Not everyone has the strange and varied tastes that I do.

It wasn't until after the show that a number of people who read my blog approached me and said, "Of course YOU would write about condiments" with a dirty smile on their happy faces.

Honestly, I didn't think about it until then. And then I chuckled to myself, because it all makes sense. It's all one big, beautiful crazy unconscious world.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very tasty jar of Curry Mustard I need to taste.

Condiment Grrl

Blogging on Vacation...

Here I am, leaving an air conditioned house in Detroit, Michigan in 100 degree heat just to blog, blog away for all of you. I've been on vacation since June 29, first spending a week on Madeleine Island in Wisconsin, surrounded by the freezing waters of Lake Superior. Then, we drove hundreds of miles to Detroit and are encamped here until Thursday when we return to the Twin Cities (where we flew into), via Chicago, to return to the cool Northwest. And do you know what I discovered?

Luxury condiments are EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE these days.

The first day in St. Paul, our friend George took us to a random supermarket in St. Paul -- not a super gourmet one -- and I found a bevy of condiment that I hadn't seen before including something that is a second cousin to the bacon doughnut:

CHOCOLATE BALSAMIC VINEGAR!!! With chunks of chocolate floating in the bottle, to boot. Made by a Minnesota native (the company has a great name -- the Golden Fig), her specialty vinegars have not found their way around the country yet (at least not to the Northwest), but they will. For one thing, each and every one of her flavored vinegars is chock full of the flavoring ingredient. Of course, some smaller minded people might point out that this means less of the actual vinegar, but I like the over-abundance of flavoring agents. Yummy!

The chocolate balsamic vinegar is another one of those peanut butter/chocolate, bacon/maple bar combinations that sound initially crazy, but slowly the complete and utter sense of them percolates up from your subconscious until you realize how right it is. I poured some on strawberries and the tartness of the vinegar compensated for the sweetness of the chocolate and strawberries. It's the perfect dessert alternative for people who don't like too much sweet stuff.

On the tiny island, I also purchased a Garlic Balsamic mustard that is made for a Wisconsin company. I don't have the bottle with me -- I was only able to sneak the chocolate balsamic into the library, but it was good, although perhaps a little too sweet for my garlic balsamic vinaigrette.

Here in Detroit, we went to a liquor store that had a whole shelf of cocktail related condiments! Now I can experience Angostura bitters and blog about the experience in greater detail.

Back to vacation-land.

Condiment Grrl