I got condiments in low places

So, last week, I was fortunate enough to dine at a fine Renton establishment called Jimmy Mac's Roadhouse. Steaks, beer (not that we indulged; it was a WORK lunch), and peanuts on the floor. I enjoy these restaurants -- I usually know exactly what I'm going to get and they have the foresight to provide one of the greatest additions to the bar and grill experience: the condiment six-pack. You know what I'm talking about -- they take a beer six-pack holder and toss in green and red tabasco sauces, ketchup (natch), mustard, and whatever else might be the appropriate escort of your food. Malt vinegar in fish and chips place. And Heinz 57 in the case of Jimmy Mac's. But they had a condiment I had yet to taste: spicy Heinz 57 which leads me to one of my conclusions of the week: Spicy is the New Black. Everything has a new spicy version these days (except the Spice Girls. R.I.P Ladies). Sometimes the spicy moniker is deceiving; it appears they just added some reddish tomatoey flavor and called it "hot." Well, you can try and sex up Clay Aiken that way, but that dog just don't hunt. This spicy Heinz had a bit of kick and livened up my steak considerably.

Then today, I had to be up in the land of wealth, shallowness and scary fake tans known as Bellevue, so I visited a place I had been eyeing on the Internet for months: Porcella Urban Market. There was a very encouraging review in the Seattle P-I awhile back and it sounded like the place of my dreams: homemade meats, fancy schmancy salads and lots and lots of high-end condiments for sale.

Now, as Mr. Mustard will be the first to point out to anyone who asks, I spend entirely too much money on condiments. I will willingly dish out $7-$8 for jars of some of my favorite staples. But this Urban Market stretched even my spendthriftiness - $17 for a tiny tin of Fennel salt? And they didn't even have that much selection. Lots of strange condiments that befuddled but did not beguile. Grape must with pumpkin? No description of possible uses, no decent copy. Just...."grape must with pumpkin?" What the hell? Now, I know that you, my devoted readers, know that balsamic vinegar is made from grape must, but I don't believe your average Bellevue-ian would know something like that.

I got a very good chicken sandwich, with subtle rosemary accents and a crunchy bad of homemade chips accompanied it, but there was something hollow in the entire experience.

I needed to drown my sorrows in a corn syrup loaded six-pack of low rent condiments. Thank the goddess for Heinz.

Yours in eternal spiciness,

Condiment Grrl

Tiger Sauce and friendship

Hello my ducks,

I'm back and better than ever! I raised lots of money for charity (but not, unfortunately, my favorite charity "condiments for tots") and I got to say "Pimp" a lot in my most conservative workplace. What more could a girl ask for?

Friends, say I!

Recently, I had a lovely dinner with two old friends and I am still marveling that we are now old friends because it seems like just yesterday that we were new friends slaving in a cold theater to bring cutting-edge theater to dozens of Seattle residents. But things happen and time passes and suddenly you're all married and two of you have kids and the third has one on the way.

My friends Sara and Anna and I recently broke meatloaf together, a fine meat dish to savor while discussing the fine points of birth and child-rearing. As we sat down, Sara, who's huge and beautiful and glowing with pregnancy, leapt up and said "Have you tried Tiger sauce? I got this for you!" Now, dear readers, I had coveted this sauce, but even I have my limits and for one reason or another, I never wrestled the savage looking bottle into my shopping cart.

But Sara did. And it's one of the myriad reasons that I love her. She's kind and thoughtful, even in the midst of one of the biggest life-changing events a human being can experience. I opened the bottle and looked into the snapping black eyes of Anna and the round soft eyes of Sara and thought of how much I value these two human beings in my life and friends are the ultimate life condiment. They can make the most dismal day a fine one with a sprinkling of their love.

Now for the Tiger sauce. It was delicious. It's like a bottle of Tabasco humped a jar of sweet and sour sauce and produced this adorable bastard love child. It was perfect on the meatloaf AND the mashed potatoes.

Later, after Sara served us home-made ice cream with melted chocolate chips, I patted her belly, her belly that is growing a little girl and whispered the nickname I will always secretly give the child, "Tiger."

Can't wait to meet you Tiger. Your mother is a great life condiment.

Condiment Grrl

Condiments are Eternal, but Condiment Grrl is Busy...

this week organizing a giant charity event for her workplace, so you must soldier on without me for a little bit longer.

Here's a tip -- Tabasco always works.

xo
Condiment Grrl

Italy - The Greatest Country On Earth

I say this because my dear friend Ruth just came back from a visit there and between strolling the cobblestoned streets of Medeival walled towns and swilling local wine, she managed to procure a beautiful bottle of balsamic vinegar made in Tuscany.

Now, for those of you poor, ignorant, unwashed masses not in the know as to how Balsamic Vinegar is created, just sit right back and you'll hear a tale. A tale of a substance known as grape must, which contains the stems and stuff of grapes. See how smart and technical I am? Anyhoo, they crush this must into a delicious juice, then pour it into a big oak barrel. After a lot of time has passed, the juice has reduced, so they then put it into another smaller barrel of a different kind of wood, time passes again, then they put it into another, smaller barrel. The process continues for five hundred years, at which point they pour the thimblefull of balsamic vinegar into a jar, then start again.

Anyway, you get the point. A lot of the balsamic vinegar sold in America now is pretty much red wine vinegar with sugar added.

So I have this adorable bottle of balsamic vinegar, which I think, "Well, it's probably fine, but not that good." Silly, silly Condiment Grrl. I opened the bottle, pulled the cork and poured out a sip and was instantly transported to Italy, to a storeroom filled with ripe oak barrels. The door is swung open and there is Norman Bishop, as played by Russell Crowe. And he has more than a thimblefull of balsamic vinegar...

Okay, I've put a stop to the sexy segue because this is a family blog. Think of the children, Condiment Grrl!

This balsamic vinegar is AMAZING. It was better than the shots of balsamic vinegar that Mr. Mustard and I paid $15 apiece for at a magnificent dinner we enjoyed last Christmas holiday at Oliveto. And the bottle was mine, all mine! We had lambchops tonight and, as I was out of my favorite Holy Jalepeno jelly, then I made do with a tiny dish of my new happy elixir to dip the lucious baby sheep in.

This was all good, because I had a horrible, very bad, no good day filled with teenagers, irate co-workers and far too much Seattle traffic. And let me just say that if anyone has a problem with me, your beloved Condiment Grrl from who all saucy goodness flows, then tell me. Don't go complaining to the Blog police.

Of course, the first thing I thought of was "where can I get more of this stuff?" So, using my good friend Google, I found the maker Emporio Delle Fattore. After futzing around a bit, I did have some luck finding an English version of the website, but I'm going to let you do that yourself if you're interested.

They have all kinds of delicous sounding things on the website, but they're all in Italian! Listen to this: "Mostarda di frutta fresca" which translates, according to Google, to "Mostarda of fresh fruit." What? Fresh fruit mustard? This, I must try. Or this: "Purè di tartufi bianchi T. Magnatum in tubetto" - doesn't that sound fabulous? Like a pate created with a white champagne in a tube. This translates to "Also of tartufi white men T. Magnatum in tubetto." This sounds like a pate created from Magnum P.I. In a tube, nonetheless.

Nevertheless I will order from the site and find out what these secretive goodies are. All in the name of research.

Tutti frutti,

Condiment Grrl

Condiments in the Wild...

As birthday celebrations for Big Mama Salsa's 70th have continued, I have spent more time imbibing condiments than writing about them.

I must give a special shout out to my Aunt Ann who is the most marvelous cook in the entire world. Baby Balsamic and I were fortunate enough to dine at her home where we enjoyed a delicious roast beef with a heavenly, light horseradish sauce. And a pork roast with a peach chutney. And pouched pears with a side of lemon mousse.

So, I have been remiss in blogging. But I am catching up, because this is what sustains me. What makes me whole.

The whole weekend was spent dining and drinking and enjoying the companionship of friends and family, who are truly the perfect condiment to a life. I know I'm getting a little woo-woo, but just as a dollop of the right mustard can send me on a fast ship to ecstasy moon, a glass of wine and a game of scrabble with those I love creates the perfect topping to a fun evening.

Happy 70th, Big Mama Salsa!