50 ways to clean your Refridgerator...

Even I have a breaking point. As you all remember from my very first post back in May of 2006, I have far too many condiments in my fridge. And sadly, there are too many condiments that I have opened up, tried, only to discover that I only wanted one date with it.

You know the score, there you are, dewy eyed, holding hands with a fresh new jar of okra relish. You project onto it all kinds of happy dreams, "Maybe this is the one that will finally make me like tofu." You show the jar into your kitchen, soft ambient lighting, mood music like The Wiggles or Tori Amos or Tori Amos covering the songs of The Wiggles or vice versa playing in the background, and you squeeze the lid of the jar gently, opening it with a soft 'pop.'

You lift the jar to your nose, sniff, and, wait, what is this? A slightly displeasing smell -- perhaps a bit too much stearic acid or you discover the relish has, horrors, roasted red bellpepper in it. You soldier on, maybe when you get the relish out of the jar, it will all change. You take a spoon and softly insert it into the greenness. As you bring it to your mouth, your tastebuds quiver in anticipation, perhaps your about to expand your aural horizons. Then the mixture hits the tongue and wait a minute, this didn't get better, and what is this condiment, and where's the lid, and why did I buy the jar in the first place, why can't it be the beginning of the evening all over again when I first walked into the store with such high hopes and happy dreams for a nice dinner?

But you've invested a ridiculous amount (according to stingy Mr. Mustard), $8.95, into this condiment and you can't just chuck it. So you put it in the fridge and hope. You hope that one day you will be preparing sweetbreads and need just one..more...thing to make it perfect. And maybe that okra relish will be it. Hey, it happened with the Blackberry Chipotle marinade.

But, and if there's one bit of wisdom I could impart to future generations, its that most condiments don't change. What you open is what you get.

I am a notorious packrat -- one of my anthropology professors said that there are two types of people in the world "hoarders" and "sorters" -- so I can't get rid of anything easily. There comes a tipping point in every refridgerator cycle and you must get rid of the old to make way for the new.

Thusly, I cleaned out my fridge and behold the condiments being sent to the large pantry in the sky:

Actually, I really did love the Olive Relish, it was just that it was time to go. "I guess it's over, time to call it a daaayaayaaa!!! Too much, too little too late to try again with yoooooooo"

Big Daddy Condiment always brings over relish when he visits so we just had TOO MUCH!!!

I will never speak again of the Peach Salsa. It was an abomination. Let this be a warning to you other condiment lovers out there...

Condiment Grrl

P.S. All the Olive Oil, vinegar bottles behind the row of condiments are not being thrown away. We just have no clear surfaces in the kitchen! Oops!

A fantastic discovery that's Atkinsy, but not too douchey

Welcome back everyone! I have finally taken up arms against a sea of condiments and resumed my mission of bringing good condiment knowledge to all!

I have experienced a range of new deliciousness in the two months since I blogged and I will share it all with you. Let us just say, for now, that the award for the very best name of a condiment company is bestowed upon The Girl and The Fig -- a gourmet place in the land of wine, decadence, and marijuana, medical or otherwise - Sonoma.

But first! An unlikely discovery in the produce section: Sunkist Almond Accents. Now many of you have heard of my travails with my crazy German naturopath who has made gluten verboten. However, I do love a texturey salad. The burst of fat from a slice of salami, the eager co-mingling of tomato juices and balsamic vinegar, the crunch of the rib of a ripe leaf of Romaine lettuce, and, bien sur, the crunch of a well-made (read: oily) crouton. Mmmmm...croutons. I do love them especially when they're large, dark and toasty, like I like my chocolate sundaes (what did you think I was going to say?).

But, if I have croutons too often, it can cause me some digestive upset. Now, you may say, "Well, just don't have salads that often!"

This is not to be.

Salads, how shall I put this, are my life. Literally, and I am not exaggerating (I never do that!), salad has been my favorite food since I can remember. And, it turns out, that salad is a beauty treatment. Really, I was reading on some health-food website about the power of eating salad in terms of preventing aging. No one would ever guess that I am 67 years old.

Really, I eat salad usually once, and many times twice a day. It is the wind beneath my wings.

So, imagine my joy when I found Sunkist Almond Accents -- Roasted Garlic Caesar Flavored Sliced Almonds. They're crunchy, cheesy, and garlicky and they make me not miss croutons at all and my German naturopath can rest easy knowing that I am (mostly) following her strict diet.

Except when I'm not. I mean, c'mon, the lady told me that blended banana with ice and melon is "bettear zen schocolat!"

But I like the almonds.

Condiment Grrl