Vice Presidential Condiments

It's been an exciting two months. We are in the middle of the most historic election of my lifetime and I have managed to get my nose out of the mustard jar and into the action. Far too much. I should join a group called "Pollsters Anonymous," because I'm so addicted to studying all the news related to the election.

So, I bet you're thinking, "but how do you work in condiments into the election girl? How?" And I say to you, it's so easy:

Vice Presidential candidates are the condiments for the Presidential Candidates. They are the assist that makes the presidential main dish shimmer and glow or sink it like a heavy mole sauce on a fluffy salmon fillet.

First up, Joe Biden. Or as Baby Balsamic calls him, "OBiden." Barack Obama's scapping long-time Senator and Vice Presidential candidate from Delaware is one of the working class guys. The type who are used to ordering the usual fried liver and onions (yum!) from their favorite greasy spoon. The guy who liberally shakes salt over Aunt Millie's experimental Sweet Potato/Zuchini roast and keeps a big shit eating grin on his face as he eats it.

Honestly, he's the guy who could be a meal on his own.

And to drive that point home, for me his condiment identification is chutney. I know it's a "furrin'" dish, but it contains apples and onions and carrots and all kinds of filling ingredients in a think, sweet and spicy sauce. Good on cheddar cheese and elitist gorgonzola pork rind pastries. Delicioous with the very substantial, complex yet straightforward main dish that is Obama, but it could easily be a meal on its own.

Now, Sarah Palin. Sigh. She likes to sell herself as superior for being from a small town as opposed to us big city elitists who clearly aren't moral or don't love their children as much or...(I could go on forever here. It's a very sore point.), but when you dig a little deeper, you discover something insubstantial that leaves a bad aftertaste in your mouth.

She reminds me of a standard table condiment you would get put in front of you at Applebee's or Cracker Barrel. Supposed good, down home country fare, but it's really run by some massive corporation that's doing all it can to replace mashed potatoes with mashed potato-like product and run the old single proprietor cafe out of business.

She's a bottle of "Applebee's Own Catsup" -- old tyme spelling to evoke the Americana nostalgia. You open the lid and it smells just a little too sweet. You pour it on your plate and it makes your french fries bitter and acrid and your processed meat loaf product dissolve into a grainy paste. It's overly sweet, with a nasty afterkick. Then you read the ingredient list and you see all the very bad things we're told not to eat: partially hydrogenated soybean oil, high-fructose corn syrup, and a million chemicals that we don't recognize. And sadly, it only makes the overcooked turkey that is John McCain tougher and more difficult to swallow.

It cannot in any way shape or form be a meal on its own.

Clearly, I, Condiment Grrl, am biased, but it's my right. And while I would love it and shower you with virtual Norman Bishop Garlic Dill mustard if you voted for Barack Obama, I really, truly believe that the most important thing you can do is get and and VOTE for whoever. Seriously, it's your right. Do it!

And God Bless America and all the Condiments that make it great.

Condiment Grrl