Love Like Salt

Condiment of the day: locally produced Marionberry Chipotle sauce that I used on Turkey breast. It wasn't too sweet and it mixed well with salt n' pepa.

Let's go back to basics, shall we? According to the Dictionary, a condiment is: "A substance, such as a relish, vinegar, or spice, used to flavor or complement food."

A couple years ago, I was dining with several friends and one new acquaintance who I was quite impressed with. Like me, he worshipped the movie "The Warriors." He owned the soundtrack to "Fame" and could recite the lyrics to the obscure track "Dogs in the Yard." Free jar of my favorite Norman Bishop Garlic Dill mustard to the reader who can email me the lyrics!

Anyway, he was quite funny and smart and charming. Please note that this was not a romantic interest, but the warm glow that comes from finding a possible true-blue friend. Then, the waiter served us "Bliss sauce" (a sort of creamy horseradish mayonnaise) for our french fries and he pushed his away. "I don't really like condiments. Only ketchup." Now, my love for ketchup is well-established, but ONLY ketchup. Is he a strange alien sent from another world to witness life on this planet? Does he not love America? How could he not want the Bliss sauce?

Needless to say, I paused in my heedless rush to friendship with this individual and initiated a conversation on what a condiment was. He didn't consider anything "white" a condiment. I have no idea how he reached that strange conclusion. He didn't consider salt a condiment, when, in fact, salt is probably the great goddess mother of all condiments. The love of salt is celebrated in a folktale with variants from all over the world (check out http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/salt.html) that formed the basis of King Lear.

Here's the story:

A king had three daughters. He was a silly, shallow, vain man and wanted to hear glowing metaphors for how deeply his daughters loved him. His first two daughters, who were total suck-up idiot pain-in-the-asses said "I love you more than gold." Or diamonds (bling in general). Or sugar or pocket dogs or botox or other silly, vain things that the moron King deserved to hear. Then his gentlest, youngest daughter said, "I love you like I love salt on my food." Or something to that effect.

The King was furious and threw the baggage out into the world. She wandered, very sad, and ended up meeting a wonderful prince or hamburger vendor and getting married. Then she snuck back into the palace and managed to keep the cooks from salting his food. When he tasted his food and realized how terrible it was, he started weeping, because he realized how much his young daughter loved him. Then the other sisters were forced to work for a Shari's for the rest of their lives, restocking the table condiments. Okay, I made that part up, but that could be a fun story, couldn't it? Hmmm...

Love like salt. I have a two-year old daughter and I would never ask her to sing my praises (no, really, I won't. Shut up.) But I might be heard whispering to her at night, "Love like salt." Although, knowing me, I would probably whisper, "Love like balsamic vinegar," but that doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well.

Remember people, love like salt in everything you do,

Condiment Grrl